A Personal Journey Through Repression and Acceptance
For many of us in the AB/DL and babyfur communities, self-acceptance is a hard-won battle. Society often misunderstands our interests, and even within LGBTQ+ spaces, kink and ageplay can be stigmatized. But sometimes, the most painful struggles happen at home, with the people who are supposed to love us unconditionally. This Pride Month, I want to share my story — one of hiding, fear, and finally finding the courage to embrace who I am.
I’ve always cycled between being open about my interests and disappearing from the community entirely. Friends noticed this pattern. They’d ask why I would vanish for months, only to return later as if nothing had changed. The truth was, I was caught in a binge-and-purge cycle, torn between the joy I found in the AB/DL and babyfur world and the crushing weight of shame imposed by my family.
In my twenties, I was out and proud in most areas of my life — except at home. My father, though hesitant at first, eventually came around. When I showed him my Second Life account and talked about furry conventions, he affectionately called me “Simba,” and in that moment, I felt truly seen. But my mother’s reaction was the opposite. When she found out I was dating a man in 2008, she spiraled. She threatened suicide, accused me of cruising Craigslist personals, and even fabricated stories about reading incriminating LiveJournal posts I never wrote. She was convinced I would be ostracized, that I’d “die of AIDS,” and she dragged my father into her hysteria. They threatened to disown me, and for years, I believed I had to choose between being myself and keeping my family intact.
During those years of repression, the furry and AB/DL communities became my lifeline. Online and at conventions, I could explore parts of myself that I had to hide everywhere else. But even then, I kept pulling away, afraid that embracing this side of me would make me unworthy of love. It took me a long time to realize that my mother’s unhappiness wasn’t my fault. But that realization didn’t come easily. Years later, in a moment of brutal honesty while under the influence of a strong edible, she told me I was a mistake — that my existence was the bane of hers. Those words broke me in ways I’m still healing from.
A decade ago, I started rebuilding my life. I got involved in local nonprofits, took on leadership roles, and even dipped my toes into politics. I was finally finding my voice — that is, until I discovered that my mother had been sharing private details about my life with people who used them against me. She outed me to my detractors, who then harassed me online, twisting personal conversations into public attacks. It was a betrayal that cut deep, but it also made something clear: I could never make her happy, no matter how much of myself I sacrificed.
When her health began to decline, I stepped back from the AB/DL and babyfur community again, this time to care for her. But as her grip on my life weakened, I found my way back, leaning on the communities that had always welcomed me. This time, I wasn’t hiding. I was finally learning to live for myself.
My journey has been long, messy, and often lonely. But today, I’m proud — proud to be gay, proud to be an AB/DL, proud to be a babyfur. If you’re reading this and wrestling with shame or repression, know this: your happiness is worth fighting for. The road to self-acceptance isn’t easy, but it’s possible. And you don’t have to walk it alone.
Happy Pride Month. Keep moving forward.